The One with Phoebe's Secret Act 1
by jfrankliniv
Summary: What if the gang had a bit too much to drink after a party and learned one too many dark secrets about each other's fantasy crushes? What if those crushes included each other in ways we never knew? What would that have been like? How awkward would that have been? Well, we now have the answer...


FRIENDS ACT 1., SC. 1

"The One With Phoebe's Secret" 29

FRIENDS

"THE ONE WITH PHOEBE'S SECRET"

PROLOGUE, SCENE 1

FADE IN:

INT. OF MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT, EARLY EVENING, DAY 1.

(MONICA IS BUSILY PREPARING SOMETHING AT THE SINK. THE TABLE IS COVERED WITH PAPER CUPS AND COOKIE TRAYS. PHOEBE IS POLISHING THE COFFEE TABLE. ENTER CHANDLER.)

CHANDLER

Hey!

MONICA

Hey.

PHOEBE

Hey.

(CHANDLER MOVES TOWARD MONICA, POSTURING OSTENTATIOUSLY. )

CHANDLER

So, what's cooking?

(PAUSES A BEAT.)

Good looking?

MONICA

(ROLLING HER EYES.)

Uh, jello shooters.

CHANDLER

(EXAMINES HER WORK.)

Oh. Sounds…kinky!

(MONICA IGNORES HIM AND KEEPS COOKING. CHANDLER TURNS AWAY.)

O-kayy…so! What time does everything start tonight?

MONICA

(STILL WORKING.)

Oh, everyone's gonna come over around nine.

CHANDLER

(UNIMPRESSED.)

Uh-huh…

MONICA

I told people to bring a six-pack or something…

CHANDLER

(UNINTERESTED.)

Mm-hmm…

PHOEBE

(FROM LIVING ROOM.)

Monica, for crying out loud, he wants to know if you've invited Veronica!

(MONICA TURNS TO LOOK AT CHANDLER. HE SMILES.)

MONICA

Oh, _Veronica_! Yes, she's coming…

(CHANDLER JUMPS FOR JOY AND SWINGS HIS FIST IN EXCITEMENT.)

MONICA

…without Fred…

CHANDLER

(SURPRISED.)

Fred? Fred? I don't remember anyone saying she had a Fred!

(PAUSES A BEAT.)

So, is he like, her 'happy Fred' or the 'Hi, I'm football player Fred' or is he the 'I hate him and would rather go out with you' Fred?

(MONICA BEGINS LIFTING HEAVY POT.)

MONICA

Uh, as far as I know he's the 'I'm out of town until next Thursday' Fred.

CHANDLER

(REPEATING HIS JUMP IN THE AIR.)

Yesss!

MONICA

(STILL STRUGGLING WITH POT.)

Ooh. Can you help me with this?

CHANDLER

Sure.

(TAKES POT FROM HER. LOOKS INSIDE.)

What is this?

MONICA

I told you – I'm making jello shooters for the party tonight.

CHANDLER

(LOOKS AT TABLE, COUNTER, TOP OF REFRIGERATOR, AND STOVE. HE PUTS THE POT DOWN AND OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR. IT IS FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT TRAYS OF PAPER CUPS.)

I see. And just how many members of the USC marching band have you invited tonight?

MONICA

(DEFENSIVE.)

I just wanna make sure there are enough! Here -

(SHE GUIDES HIM OVER TO THE TABLE.)

Just pour them into the cups –

(HE BEGINS POURING)

MONICA

No! No! No! Those are the orange shooters! You're pouring cherry! The orange tray is the other one.

CHANDLER

(PAUSES ANOTHER BEAT.)

I'm sorry. I wasn't aware we segregated jello.

(BEGINS POURING AGAIN.)

Just fill the cup halfway…

CHANDLER

That's just what the nurse said to me this morning...

(BEGINS FILLING A CUP.)

MONICA

(WATCHING)

No. I said halfway!

CHANDLER

(PAUSES A BEAT.)

That's what she said to me...

(CONTINUES POURING.)

MONICA

(EXCITED.)

No! No! You're pouring too fast! You're going to spill -

(CHANDLER STOPS, TURNS TO MONICA, AND RAISES HIS INDEX FINGER. SILENTLY, HE HANDS HER THE POT, SMILES, AND PATS HER ON THE CHEEK. HE TURNS AROUND AND WALKS OVER TO PHOEBE.)

CHANDLER

So, where are Ross and Joey?

PHOEBE

Oh. They went down to get the keg.

(CHANDLER GRABS A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS AND SITS DOWN. PHOEBE AND MONICA CONTINUE WORKING.)

PHOEBE

(CONTINUING.)

They said they'd be back around seven.

(KEEPS CLEANING. CHANDLER BEGINS EATING WHILE THEY CLEAN AND WATCHES THEM WORK.)

CHANDLER

Oh.

(PUTS HIS FEET UP ON THE TABLE. PHOEBE KEEPS POLISHING.)

PHOEBE

Yeah. I think they took Ross's car so they could put the seat down.

(CHANDLER KEEPS EATING, WATCHING THEM WORK. MONICA TURNS FROM THE SINK TO POUR MORE JELLO AND SEES CHANDLER RELAXING.)

MONICA

(SLIGHTLY IRRITATED.)

Uh, hello?

CHANDLER

(UNAWARE.)

Hmm? What?

MONICA

Uh, as long as you're here you could help.

CHANDLER

I thought I just did that.

(HE PAUSES A BEAT AND LOOKS AT PHOEBE AND MONICA.)

CHANDLER

Uh, besides, you guys look like you've got everything…under…

control….

(PUTS MORE CHIPS IN HIS MOUTH.)

MONICA

(LAUGHS UNEASILY.)

Uh, yes, but as long as we're cleaning up, you can help too.

CHANDLER

(LOOKS AT BOTH OF THEM. HIS MOUTH IS FULL OF POTATO CHIPS.)

Ogray.

(TURNS TO PHOEBE.)

Since I'm barred from filling cups, what can I do?

PHOEBE

(SHAKES HER HEAD AT THE COFFEE TABLE.)

Um, I could use some more of this polish stuff...

CHANDLER

Sure.

(GETS UP.)

Uh…where's that?

MONICA

Oh. We keep it in the bathroom.

CHANDLER

Okay.

(HEADS FOR THE BATHROOM. THE DOOR OPENS AND RACHEL WALKS OUT, HER FACE IS HIDDEN BEHIND A MUD MASK. CHANDLER RECOILS.)

Aaaaah!

(STUMBLES BACKWARD)

CHANDLER

Wh- wh- what is that?

RACHEL

(UNABLE TO MOVE HER MOUTH)

It's a mud mask.

CHANDLER

Okay…why are you WEARING it?

RACHEL

It's supposed to make me look beautiful.

CHANDLER

(AGHAST.)

Oh. Please tell me you kept the receipt!

(RACHEL SLAPS HIM PLAYFULLY AND TURNS TO MONICA.)

RACHEL

Monica, can I use your hairdryer? Joey still has mine.

MONICA

(CALLING OVER HER SHOULDER.)

Sure. Go right ahead.

CHANDLER

(UNABLE TO BELIEVE WHAT HE JUST HEARD.)

Joey has your hairdryer?

RACHEL

(HEADING BACK INTO THE BATHROOM.)

Yeah, he wanted it for his audition Monday.

(GOES INTO BATHROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR.)

CHANDLER

His John Wayne audition?

MONICA

(FROM THE KITCHEN.)

Yeah.

CHANDLER

Oh. I guess you always want that puffy look when you're out in the old west…

(CUT TO: DOOR FLIES OPEN ENTER ROSS AND JOEY ROLLING A BEER KEG. JOEY IS WEARING A COWBOY HAT.)

ROSS

Hello!

JOEY

Beer's here!

(KEG CONTINUES ROLLING. ALL WATCH AS IT ROLLS INTO THE SOFA.)

PHOEBE

Oh, look! It's Lenny and Squiggy!

CHANDLER

What are you doing?

JOEY

(CONFUSED.)

Bringing up the beer, big guy!

(PROUDLY.)

Ross wanted to carry it, but I said it'd be faster to roll it here, _pahdner_.

(ALL LAUGH.)

JOEY

Why? What's up?

MONICA

You just foamed all the beer that's in there!

JOEY

What?

CHANDLER

Foam. You know. The stuff you get when you SHAKE UP something out there on the Ponderosa?

JOEY

Oh.

(PAUSES A BEAT.)

Ross was the one in a hurry.

ROSS

Oh, fine blame it on me – I wasn't the one yelling "Gangway" up the street…

MONICA

Look, just stand it up someplace so we can air it out a little.

(TURNS BACK TO SINK.)

CHANDLER

(TO JOEY) I'll go get our tap…

(LEAVES. ROSS AND JOEY SET KEG UPRIGHT.)

ROSS

Okay, so where do you want this?

PHOEBE

Oh, put it in the bathtub - the ice bags are already in there.

ROSS

Okay.

(HE AND JOEY PICK UP THE KEG AND MOVE TO THE BATHROOM. THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND WE HEAR RACHEL SCREAM. ROSS SLAMS THE DOOR IMMEDIATELY.)

ROSS

(QUIETLY.)

Rachel…

PHOEBE

What?

ROSS

I - I saw something that looked like Rachel.

JOEY

Looked like?

ROSS

Yeah. It kind of looked like her – but wasn't…

(DOOR OPENS AND RACHEL EMERGES.)

RACHEL

What are you doing?

ROSS

Uh, we were just trying to put the keg in the –

RACHEL

Don't you ever KNOCK before entering a room?

ROSS

Yeah, but –

RACHEL

(ANGRY.)

Ooh! You men are just SO insensitive!

(STORMS TO HER ROOM. ROSS MIMICS HER BEHIND HER BACK. DOOR SLAMS.)

JOEY

(TO ROSS.)

Bet you just can't wait for the party tonight, huh?

(PATS HIS SHOULDER.)

FADE OUT.

FADE IN: ACT 1, SCENE 2

(INT. OF MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT, LATE EVENING. MONICA IS SAYING GOODBYE TO THE LAST GUESTS. RACHEL, ROSS, AND PHOEBE ARE VISIBLE. CUPS, EMPTY BAGS OF CHIPS, AND OTHER ASSORTED PARTY ITEMS ARE STREWN EVERYWHERE.)

MONICA

(TO THE PEOPLE AS THEY LEAVE.)

Thanks for coming!

(CLOSES DOOR. MONICA LOOKS AT HER WATCH.)

MONICA

…and for staying until two-thirty…

(LOOKS AROUND IN DISBELIEF.)

Oh, my God. Look at this place!

(WALKS TO CENTER.)

It'll take us a week to clean this up!

RACHEL

Well, just do what Chandler and Joey do whenever they have a party.

PHOEBE

What's that?

ROSS

Don't clean it.

(PAUSES A BEAT)

After a couple of days, you'd be surprised how you get used to it…

(MONICA PUTS ON AN APRON. PHOEBE AND RACHEL CONFRONT HER.)

PHOEBE

No. No. No. Monica –

RACHEL

Just wait until morning – we can clean it up in the morning…

MONICA

(DETERMINED AND WHINING)

But I can't sleep with it like this…

(RACHEL TAKES HER BY THE HAND AND TRIES TO GUIDE HER BACK TO THE SOFA. ON THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT PHOEBE. MONICA CONTINUES TO COMPLAIN.)

All I'll think about all night is how messy it is and how I'll have to wake up to it tomorrow…

RACHEL

(TO PHOEBE)

Get her a beer.

PHOEBE

Ooh. Right. Get her to pass out!

(GOES TO REFRIGERATOR. RACHEL PARKS MONICA ON THE SOFA. MONICA CONTINUES TO LOOK IN AMAZEMENT AT HER APARTMENT, HER VOICE NOW A RAMBLING MUMBLE.)

MONICA

…and then I'll have to scrub down the walls and the floor tiles in the bathroom…and I'll have to rope off the kitchen so no one walks on it…

RACHEL

(TO PHOEBE.)

Bring me one too.

ROSS

And me, too.

PHOEBE

(OPENS REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES OUT A SIX-PACK.)

Oh, hey, Monica? You guys still have a six-pack left…

RACHEL

In that case, bring me two…

(PHOEBE TAKES SIX PACK OVER TO COUCH AND HANDS OUT BEERS TO GROUP.)

PHOEBE

(TRYING TO DISTRACT MONICA)

So, does anyone know what happened to Chandler and Joey?

ROSS

Uh, I'm not sure – Chandler left with Veronica and said he wanted to show her something at the apartment.

MONICA

Oh, was it just me or were those two all over each other all night?

(EVERYONE NODS IN AGREEMENT.)

MONICA

I mean, from the moment she walked in they were off in the corner talking and laughing and…and…

ROSS

Doing what people do at parties?

PHOEBE

(SIPPING HER BEER)

Mmm…yeah, but whatever happened to Joey?

(CUT TO: THE DOOR FLYING OPEN. ENTER JOEY RUNNING AND CARRYING A HAIRDRYER, SHOUTING.)

JOEY

Whoa! Lookout!

MONICA

Hey, what's going on? Where's –

(CUT TO: THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN. ENTER CHANDLER WEARING ONLY BOXER SHORTS AND COVERED WITH WHITE POWDER. HE MAKES STRAIGHT FOR JOEY, SHOUTING.)

CHANDLER

Come here!

(JOEY RUNS AROUND THE GROUP, CHANDLER CHASING AFTER HIM.)

I'm gonna get you for this! I'm gonna -

(THE GIRLS STOP CHANDLER, ROSS STOPS JOEY.)

MONICA

Whoa! Wait! What happened?

CHANDLER

(STRUGGLING IN ROSS'S GRIP.)

Oh, nothing. Nothing. I was just circling Veronica International Airport and getting ready to come in for a landing when the runway suddenly FOGGED OVER!

(MAKES FOR JOEY AGAIN AND IS RESTRAINED.)

JOEY

Hey, take it easy. It was just talcum powder.

(PAUSES A BEAT.)

RACHEL

Talcum powder?

CHANDLER

Yeah. He sprayed it underneath my door and then blew it in!

JOEY

Oh, by the way, Monica, here's your hair dryer.

(HANDS IT BACK TO HER.)

Thanks.

CHANDLER

(STILL FURIOUS)

I can't believe you fogged my room when I had a girl in it!

JOEY

Well, hey, come on, can you think of a BETTER time to do it?

(GETS DEFENSIVE.)

Besides, do you know how hard it is auditioning for John Wayne

(RAISES HIS HANDS – HIS NAILS ARE PAINTED BLACK.)

with NAIL POLISH on your hands?

(PAUSES A BEAT.)

That reminds me – Monica, can I borrow your nail polish remover?

CHANDLER

I am gonna get you –

ROSS

Okay, hey, hey, take it easy. No one is gonna GET anybody tonight -

(LOOKS AT CHANDLER.)

Nobody is going to get ANYTHING tonight.

RACHEL

So, what happened to Veronica?

ROSS

I don't know. As soon as the room fogged up she grabbed her clothes and took off. Just look for the ghost running down the street…

MONICA

(HANDS HIM A TOWEL.)

Here.

CHANDLER

Thanks.

(BEGINS WIPING AWAY POWDER. EVEYONE SITS DOWN. THERE IS A MOMENT OF AWKWARD SILENCE. PHOEBE HANDS CHANDLER AND JOEY THE REMAINING BEERS.)

PHOEBE

Okay! So, like, what do you guys want to talk about?

MONICA

Um, I don't know – what do you guys want to talk about?

ROSS

I don't know…

JOEY

(TAKES A SIP)

How about a game of "I Never?"

ROSS

Oh, no…

RACHEL

No….

PHOEBE

"I Never" – what's that?

ROSS

You know, that's where everyone sits around with a drink and

someone says, "I never did" this, and then if you've done it, you

have to drink…

PHOEBE

Ooh! Sounds cool! I like it! Can I go first?

(MONICA, RACHEL AND ROSS CONTINUE GROANING. PHOEBE IGNORES THEM.)

Okay, I never…I never…committed a crime in a past life!

(QUICKLY DRINKS. LOOKS AROUND.)

Oh, sure, like I'm the only one here, right?

MONICA

(LAUGHING.)

No, that's not the way you're supposed to do it – you're supposed

to ask some really embarrassing question that someone wouldn't

ordinarily ask you. Like, I never…xeroxed a part of my body!

(SHE DRINKS QUICKLY. EVERYONE STARES.)

MONICA

Well, come on! Everyone's done that…

(EVERYONE CONTINUES STARING.)

…haven't they?

CHANDLER

I think there's a story we need to hear…

ROSS

Uh, yeah, I'd like to hear this one too…

JOEY

And so would I.

MONICA

(RELUCTANTLY.)

Okay, okay, I was in college, we'd just gotten this new copier,

and my girlfriend and I went back to her boyfriend's office and

while he was in the men's room we dared each other to xerox our butts…

(LAUGHS. THEN STOPS)

You mean NONE of you have done this?

CHANDLER

I think most of us just xerox more boring things like tax forms…

Memos…my boss's love letters to his secretary…

(MONICA TAKES A SIP OF HER BEER.)

MONICA

(TO RACHEL)

But at least - at least I didn't fax my boobs to some guy!

RACHEL

(HORRIFIED)

Monica!

JOEY

All right!

ROSS

(SURPRISED)

You faxed your boobs?

RACHEL

No!

(PAUSES.)

Not since college!

MONICA

Come on. I had to tell my story!

RACHEL

(RELUCTANT.)

Well…there was this guy I had a crush on in school and over the

summer he was in California, so me and some friends went out

drinking one night, and when we stopped off at the library we

faxed him our boobs to see if he could tell us apart.

CHANDLER

My internships were always boring…

JOEY

So, could he?

RACHEL

What?

JOEY

(NODDING TOWARD HER BREASTS)

Tell 'em apart?

RACHEL

(CROSSING HER ARMS.)

No, and we don't need to talk about that…

CHANDLER

Well, maybe you should've given him another chance in person.

PHOEBE

(TO ROSS, CHANDLER, AND JOEY.)

Okay, now one of you guys have to do one…

(SPILLS BEER ON HERSELF.)

Oh! Monica – can I use your bath towel?

MONICA

Sure.

(PAUSES A BEAT.)

I'm going to start charging people for my bathroom…

CHANDLER

(TO PHOEBE)

Just be careful - the last person I saw come out of there didn't look too good…

(PHOEBE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.)

MONICA

Okay, so come on, one of you guys has to do one now.

RACHEL

Yeah. I wanna hear this.

(ROSS, CHANDLER AND JOEY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER.)

ROSS

Okay…I…uh, never…lied about my age to somebody.

MONICA

Oh, come on, that's so unfair. Guys don't have to do that!

RACHEL

Yeah!

JOEY

They do in junior high school…

(EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM)

Or, ah, so I've been told…

MONICA

Tell us another one.

ROSS

Okay, okay…I never…had sex with two different people in

less than 24 hours!

(NO ONE DRINKS. EVERYONE TURNS TO JOEY.)

JOEY

What?

CHANDLER

Last summer – Kate and Sarah?

JOEY

Hey, that doesn't count!

(EVERYONE GROANS.)

CHANDLER

What do you mean it doesn't count?

JOEY

Because that whole thing with Kate was good, but you know, that whole thing with Sarah…well...you know…

(GETS DEFENSIVE.)

It…never happened!

(PAUSES AND THEN SIGHS.)

Okay, okay…

(TAKES A DRINK. THINKS FOR A MOMENT.)

Okay, I've got one. I've never dreamed of having sex with

anyone in this room!

(AN AWKWARD MOMENT OF SILENCE. EVERYONE LOOKS AT ROSS AND RACHEL.)

ROSS

Uh, do ex's count?

JOEY

No, just everyone else.

(EVERYONE LOOKS AT ONE ANOTHER BUT DOES NOT DRINK. PHOEBE RE-EMERGES FROM THE BATHROOM AND RETURNS TO HER SEAT.)

PHOEBE

Okay! What'd I miss?

MONICA

Joey was just asking if any one of us had ever wanted to have sex with anyone else in the group.

PHOEBE

Oh, that's easy!

(BEGINS DOWNING HER BEER AND KEEPS DRINKING. EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER IN AMAZEMENT.)

(CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK.)


End file.
